Stress in the Work Place

by 

Thomas H. Conley, Executive Director

Florence McDonnell Center

Sue comes in just before the opening hour of 9:00. Conflict with her boyfriend has her glued to the cell phone. The conversation becomes more heated and by the time customers are admitted into the lobby, she is virtually yelling into her phone, tears streaming down her face. She hangs up in time to wipe her eyes and begin to serve the customers, but all day Sue is in a foul mood, snapping at fellow workers, and sullenly giving customers second-rate service. Her manager is off sick on this day, and no one is in charge. A fellow worker tries to manage the situation, but resentment builds in Sue, and she tells him off in a whispered conversation overheard by customers in line to be served.

Roy has been passed over for a promotion which he truly believes he deserves. The better job and increased pay are given to a newer employee and Roy is resentful. He smiles at his boss and says everything is fine, but inside he is seething. He feels that if he speaks up he will be fired, and in this weakened economy, where will he find a job that will support him, his wife and three children? A month later he develops an arrhythmia in his heart and has to go on medication. He becomes moody, depressed and his life at home becomes increasingly unhappy and acrimonious.

These are two real-life examples of stress in the work place; only the names have been changed to protect the “guilty” (of creating office stress). There are as many reasons for stress in the office, team or company as there are individuals and their personal reactions to negative stimuli. I cannot possibly list all the reasons for stress in this brief article, but after 50 years of working in and around churches, synagogues and Rabbis, non-profits, community organizations of varied stripes, companies, CEO’s and managers, I have found that there are some common sources of stress in the work-a-day world that affect many work places. Following are some of the more salient reasons for stress in our business world. There are many more than these, but I have found in my consulting and counseling practice that these are rather common. The solutions are also simple and straightforward, but the leaders in the company or office have to be able to identify these causes and have the courage and ability to address them openly and effectively.

LEADERSHIP. I have found that an office is reflective of the leadership that sets the tone, model and approach for dealing with stressful situations. If the leader is unfocused, is off task with regards to the mission of the office and the larger company, then the workers will reflect that lack of focus. If, on the other hand, the leader is calm, reflective, and open to his/her workers and finds quick and effective solutions and enforces them with a firm but caring hand, interoffice transactions run more smoothly. If the leadership is ineffective, shows partiality, is slack with consistent evaluations of the workers, then discontent will build in the workforce.

Solution. We need to be sure that everyone in a leadership position be given some leadership training and that it be refreshed yearly. How the leader handles her/his own stress is absolutely vital to this task. There are a host of effective stress management and anger management techniques and training and good leaders must be aware of and conversant with them, and be able to employ them in their own leadership lives.

A crucial piece of leadership is the ability to delegate. This reduces stress on the leader if the one to whom work has been delegated has been adequately trained and prepared to assume the assigned duties.

TRAINING. Several years ago our elder son and his wife asked my wife and me to help them open a pet shop. Translation: be the money source! We did that for them, but insisted on one caveat: never hire someone just to be a clerk. Train that person to be knowledgeable about the pets, the business, and the store. My wife and I had become weary of having people in the stores we frequented who did not know enough about the products to intelligently answer our questions.

How many times have we been ready to make a purchase, or close a deal on the telephone and the person waiting on us had to have help just to give us basic service? A few more hours of training would have allowed that person to feel adequate in their position and to serve the customer with efficiency and skill. On many occasions a person at a company or in an office will give out phone numbers that are not in service or are in a department totally unrelated to the consumer’s needs.

I have recently been helping a friend to find work. She found work in one of our large banks. She found the training program was totally askew, the new trainees were left alone without a trainer for the last two weeks of orientation, and the packet of information with which she was supplied detailing the training curriculum was never followed. Mentoring did not follow the protocol specified, and she ended up confused, frustrated and ill equipped to do the job for which she had been hired. The right hand did not know what the left hand was doing.

Solution. One of the best ways to deal with this kind of stress is to listen to the trainees. Evaluate their experience and be sure that they know there will be no recriminations for honest and open responses to the evaluations. Have a business coach look at the training material and help the managers evaluate what is effective and what is not.

COMMUNICATION. I remember working with a person in office management in one of our fortune 500 companies in our city. She had several layers of management above her. Her stress level was incredible because those above her did not communicate directly, or they communicated massive changes in structure and told her at the last minute. The ones above her seemed not to realize that it takes time to change course and that their demands were sometimes unreasonable.

This person was conscientious and wanted to do a great job for her company. However, the stress level became so high that she became ill, and developed a number of stress symptoms: gastroenteritis, some heart issues, and weight gain. Through meditation, breathing exercises and other techniques, she recovered and was able to continue with her job.

Solution. In the leadership training the leaders must be given some principles of communication that reduce stress instead of creating it.

Time: Give the workers in the hierarchy time to make the changes that need to be made, the facts they need to make the changes, and the expected results with the timeline of implementation. While this is common sense, I find that so many of these factors are frequently left to chance, and stress results.

Essence: In communicating changes in plans or directions, what is the essence of the message? I have seen managers write elaborate and convoluted communiqués to the work force and the workers were more confused when they finished than before they received what was intended to clarify the issues.

Strategy: If changes have to be made – and they frequently do- be sure that someone has thought through each and every detail of how the strategy will be put into place. Half-baked plans create enormous stress. Cause and effect issues are sometimes missed by management and this will create confusion and consternation in the work force. Clear communication about why the strategy is needed will relieve much of the stress. Even if a worker may not agree with the changes, at least rational reasons have been put forward and a clear purpose has been shared.

I remember some years ago doing a stress management seminar for some nurses and doctors in a hospital near our city. The administration was making huge changes and the ones giving primary care were hearing rumors, getting incremental facts but no clear, direct or specific communication was being shared with the ones who were delivering the care to the patients.

As executive director of my business, I want someone looking over my shoulder and asking, “what if” questions. Every possible contingency should be considered, and especially the worst-case scenario. Better to have a solution and not need it than to need it and not have it. Sometimes we have to choose the “lesser of two evils” in our administrative work, but that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with in an open and clear way.

Tolerance. While we all know intellectually that there is no perfection in us or in anything we do, we sometimes react to situations that arise as if we do expect perfection. Creating tolerance in the workforce is vital. Again and again I remind my clients that there is no perfection anywhere, and those who try to pretend there is and achieve some measure of it, create untold stress for themselves, for their fellow workers, and for their companies. No system works perfectly. No person does a perfect job. No machine is so perfect it does not break or go off-line. No CEO or CFO can do his or her jobs with perfection. Get over it!! We should “cut some slack” to one another and to those with whom we work.

When I mention tolerance, I am not speaking about tolerating persons. No one wants just to be tolerated. Only acceptance meets that deeper human need for compassion and care. I am speaking about tolerance for the lack of perfection in all situations and circumstances. Accept persons. Tolerate systems and situations.

If you notice, the acronym created by the four elements above is TEST. Having someone around us who can test our communication skills as to their effectiveness and clarity is essential.

RESPECT. While this is a virtue we all like to receive, not all of us can give it in its full measure. A common problem I hear from workers in an office setting is a lack of respect shown them by their managers or bosses. A daily dose of disrespect exacerbates low self-esteem and places workers in a defensive mode. Solid, creative and productive work does not come from defensiveness. A worker constantly on guard against disrespect will not work to capacity.

Boundaries that are crossed repeatedly, whether by bosses or fellow workers, creates internal stress in the work place. A person who was not a mentor perched herself behind a new teller in a bank and kept repeating to the new teller instructions about how to do her job, all within hearing of the customers. The new teller felt embarrassed and devalued. All of the instructions given were things the inexperienced teller had already learned and was practicing. The respectful thing to have been done was for the experienced teller to remain in the background to entertain questions only if the newer teller needed help, and not until then.

Another boundary that is frequently crossed is sexual harassment. Yes, sometimes an individual can be hyper-sensitive and create unneeded stress. But at other times disrespect is clearly shown by those who infringe on the personal boundaries and private space of another worker.

A common problem that clients who are leaders frequently bring to me is a worker who “cops an attitude.” By that they mean persons in the work force who seem to have a chip on their shoulder and communicate a rather aggressive, even hostile attitude toward fellow workers and even customers. Many of these workers seemingly do not understand that these pouty people with easily offended chips on their shoulders show disrespect to others in the work place and to the public they may serve. Some leaders have told me that these attitudes are difficult to deal with because these workers sometimes are so easily “offended,” and feel they have some inalienable right to have these attitudes, that desensitizing these responses is difficult.

Solution. In the leadership training mentioned above, the responsibility for establishing the principles of decorum in the workplace is on the leader’s shoulders. This means that she/he will also have to model the kind of respect that is called for in an effective workplace environment. Disrespect of any and all kinds will not be allowed. Positive and firm enforcement of the policy, once carried out in several circumstances will make the message clear. No disrespect allowed. Period. This may mean having continued training on such attitudes, and consistent teaching about how such communication of these aggressive attitudes alienates other workers and consumers.

PERSONAL/EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS. When Sue, in the illustration above, brought her cell phone into the place of business and continued a raucous conversation with her boyfriend, the manager should have stopped it immediately. But the manager was not there. The worker had the responsibility to know the rules, but the manager should have left clear communication about who was in charge, and that she/he were to be regarded with the respect given to the manager.

It is always going to happen: we will bring personal and emotional problems into the workplace. It cannot be helped. What can be helped is that there be a policy and protocol for dealing with the issue. If not, the emotional “bad mood” or disquieting upset can become contagious and disruptive to productive work. A snappy, angry, brooding or unfocused worker will inevitably influence the others around those disruptions.

Solution. There may be those who disagree with me about this, but having a manager who can listen for a few minutes to the person in distress can make a lot of difference in the work place. No, the manager or leader does not have to have a degree in counseling or psychotherapy, but to be attentive and to listen does not take an advanced degree. The leader also needs to have a list of persons to whom the worker can go for counseling or therapy or someone who can be helpful for the crisis. Many companies have counselors on staff or employee assistance programs, while others just keep a list of therapists to whom the worker can talk. To refer the worker to an effective place for help is best for the worker, the colleagues in the office and the leader. All benefit from these referrals. For example, our Center is listed in a number of doctor’s offices, churches, and a host of other businesses and organizations, and I receive calls all the time: “Will you see this person in the workforce who is grieving, who is disturbed, who is going through a divorce, or dealing with domestic issues, or perhaps a child or teenager of a worker who is in trouble?”

We have known for a long time that balance (homeostasis) is crucial to human well-being. A balanced life is necessary for a healthy person both physically and emotionally. When clients come to me and life is out of balance, I recommend exercise regularly combined with regular meditation, breathing, and other techniques that inhibit stress and will help the person deal with stressful situations more effectively.

If we cannot change a situation, and we cannot control it, we can at least choose our response to it. Our society has taught us that when stressful situations take place we have to react with frustration, anger, panic, or with other nonproductive reactions. Through a process I have developed, I now teach that we do have the power to respond instead of reacting, and this insight and behavior reduces stress within us and within the work force around us. (This insight came originally from Viktor Frankl, a survivor from the German concentration camps in the 1940’s, who, in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, has told us that the last freedom of the human spirit is the freedom to choose our response no matter what happens to us. He further says that we owe it to ourselves not to become the plaything of circumstance). While this is my paraphrase, it is accurate. Others have found this wisdom as well. It frequently takes the form: no one has the power to make us feel anything unless we give him or her the power to do so! Exercising this power in the work place has dramatic results. Simply knowing and believing that we have that power is an incredible insight that begins to release empowerment in the whole of our lives and reduces stress immeasurably.

These are not all of the stressors in the work place, but they are common, and our learning to cope with these will be an excellent start in dealing with all types of stressful situations that tend to arise repetitively.

The Florence McDonnell Center encourages leaders, CEO’s, presidents of companies and managers, clergy and others in leadership positions to refer persons to us, and to come themselves if dealing with stress in a nonproductive and harmful way. We can do workshops on interoffice relationships, attitudes and other difficult issues that have arisen. We can do these at the Center or at the client’s office.

We have skilled therapists in addiction counseling, career development and transition issues, art therapy, childrens’ issues and play therapy, eating disorders, psychiatric assistance for medication, marriage and family counseling, and therapists who know and understand spiritual issues without promoting an agenda of systemic, institutional religious or denominational issues. Having said that, we also do clergy counseling and therapy, and have persons on staff who understand the internal operations of churches, nonprofits, and religious institutions and systems. This is a veritable buffet of help for the stressors of the human spirit. Call us if help is needed. We are ready!

 FMC Care & Counseling (The Florence McDonnell Center)

2215 Cheshire Bridge Road

Atlanta Ga. 30324

Phone. 404.816.7171

On hunger

On Hunger

Canon Thomas H. Conley,

Executive Director

Yes, there is enough physical hunger on the planet to cause “compassion fatigue.”  We see the pictures of children in some distant country with bloated, distended bellies, haunting eyes, fragile, exposed ribs and frail, skin-and-bones physiques. We say a prayer for them, or ignore them, or give to a children’s fund to buy a gram of rice or a crust of bread. We go about our business.

If this is not enough to tax our frustrated spirits, there are other hungers, hungers that fester in the well-fed, the wealthy, the well-off, the “worried well,” and the poor. These hungers reside in the CEO, the busy VP, the soccer mom, the harried housewife, the frazzled doctor, the lucrative lawyer and Indian Chief from any/every tribe. These hungers are nestled in the emerging and fully adolescent, the young person, the college whiz kid, the high-achieving, nail-gnawing graduate student. They become ironically evident in the bulimic or anorexic.

What are these hungers? They are universal.  They frequently masquerade as questions, but hungers they are. There is the haunting feeling that I am not good enough, not productive enough, not perfect enough, not thin enough, and not smart enough. There is the “what if” I had waited to get married? Would life be different if I had met this “right one” two years later? What if we had not become premaritally pregnant? Can I get over the abortion that now haunts me with guilt and hammers me with remorse?

What will make me good enough to love, to deserve good things in life, to have life treat me well?  Why cannot brothers of the same blood and sisters of a common heritage get along without the acting out, the furious tirades, and the pouting, childish ways? Why do I need to be so controlling, or why am I so compliant in being controlled, and where do I put the resentment that swells in my breast when I let someone “get away with it”?  Why do I change jobs so often, and why do those pesky office relationships lead to the same result over and over and over again: anger, fear, frustration and a subsequent firing? What script am I playing out of, and when did I write it? I don’t remember ever writing it, but I am forever rehearsing it, and when the time comes, I obediently recite it verbatim.

Why do I smoke pot or use “meth” or heroine or ecstasy to alter my inner state? What is wrong with being me as I am, just as I am? Why do I need to be the class clown or the retiring, shy one in the back of the class? Or the smart ass, or the bully? Why do I want to control my wife and children when I cannot control my own rages, my own demons? When did my love for my mate turn rancid, distant and now openly hostile and recriminatory? Why can’t I love my new baby and why, in the face of new life I am depressed and despondent and do not want to touch the nascent life that depends on me?

Why am I so afraid of everything, or too many things, or just one thing that dominates my thinking? Is there a way to find happiness and fulfillment in a world that is so screwed up and frightening? Why do I have so many feelings of insecurity and restlessness? Will I ever be happy?

These are just some of the questions that haunt us as the human family.  These questions seem to cross ethnic boundaries, linger in all bloodlines, and loom around the various corners and intersections that our lives encounter.

I have been a therapist/minister/priest almost 50 years, and these and a host of other questions and hungers have come my way. Some of them have been my hungers as well…maybe most of them. I will leave this world knowing that I have heard just about every one of these hungers; most I have been able to assuage, help and abate. Others I have not. But we all need a place, a sacred, private place where it is O.K. to ask these questions, deal with the hungers and obtain some morsels of sustenance on the journey.  That is why I do what I do; it is why at 72 years, I “come about” every morning excited about the day, and the ones I will see.  I meditate daily, and that gives me some “food” to bring with me to satisfy some of the hungers that come to my/our place– a sacred place– for feeding and nurture, warmth and care. This Center is such a place for these human hungers to be addressed. It is why it was founded in 2001, and why it exists today.

Hungry, anyone? I–we– at the Center hope to see you soon. There is a wonderful buffet here!

Ten Tips for Creating Luck in the Job Market

Tips for Creating Your Own Occupational Luck
Adapted and inspired from the book Luck is No Accident (John Krumboltz)

1. Open your mind to possibilities! There are no requirements that you determine a specific job for your future. You are welcome to prepare for one and to have goals, but these are subject to changes beyond your control. Keep learning and remain alert to new possibilities.
2. Accidents, unexpected events, and unintended consequences will have an effect on your life. Be ready to take advantage of them when they occur.

3. Your new reality may offer better options than you could have established by yourself. “Stay awake while you are dreaming (John Krumboltz).”

4. Try out different activities to discover what you like and what you do not like.

5. Presume that you will encounter some failures and make mistakes. Failure is not a disaster; it simply offers a chance to learn what works (and what doesn’t.)

6. Generate your own unplanned lucky events: volunteer, join an organization, continue your education and training, talk with people, find time to visit friends, speak with strangers. Embrace life! Celebrate it with an open heart and mind.

7. Unemployed? Practice for retirement now. Use your time wisely and seek the meaning in all that you do. Be helpful to others. Help someone else look for a job. Mentor a young person.

8. Open-mindedness will help you deflate internal fears and self-imposed obstacles. Re-discover your curiosity. Are you creative? Find a way to express that creativity. Are you an organizer at heart? Help someone re-organize their garage or kitchen. Are you entrepreneurial? Help a small company expand its marketing. Whatever your gifts, open yourself to seeing who needs them and go do it.

9. Act on your dreams. Whatever it is, identify a very first step and then take it.

10. You don’t need to have mastered a job to take it. You just need the willingness to learn how to do it. Most people don’t know how to do a job until they do it. Don’t let your lack of knowledge stop you from gaining knowledge.

adapted by
David Harris, MTS, MS
www.FMC3.org

Finding a Career Counselor

Finding a Career Counselor

In a recent “Dear Abby” letter (http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20090717), a reader writes that “with two degrees and no specific job skills…I don’t know what sort of job I should be seeking.” Expressing further frustration with “touchy-feely” form of career counseling, the writer questions how to go about finding “a job that fits.”

Ms. Phillips (Dear Abby) replies that the reader should “look further for career counseling.” If only she had enough space in the paper to provide some resources! So how does a person go about finding a career counselor that can actually help?

As the 2009-10 President of the GCDA, I encourage anyone, whether 17, 23, 35, or 60, to take a few weeks to explore the world of work and life with a professional career counselor. For USA citizens, a great place to start is the National Career Development Association (NCDA) (http://www.ncda.org) the major professional organization for career counselors. While there are many people who work in the career development field, they come from various educational backgrounds and training. NCDA recognizes these individuals by offering different classifications and certifications. These range from Career Development Facilitator (an individual with 120 hours of training) to a Master Career Counselor (an individual with at least a Masters degree in counseling, plus additional educational requirements and experience. More information about the types of counselors can be found at http://associationdatabase.com/aws/NCDA/pt/sd/news_article/15416/_self/layout_details/false      

You can also use the NCDA website to locate a counselor. If you live in my home state, you can check the Georgia Career Development Association’s website http://thegcda.org for a list of career professionals.

Once you have located two or three names, take time to call or email these counselors to see how you think they may fit for you. Many times, a counselor will provide a free 20 minute phone consultation to help you both assess a good fit. After you find the counselor that suits you, you will embark on a program that may explore your gifts and strengths, your interests and dreams, and you will begin to find a way to investigate work opportunities that will help you generate meaning, satisfaction, and financial health.

 

David Harris, M.T.S., M.S.

404.816.7171 x18

404 636 0849 (fax)

www.InterCounseling.com

Hope. Progress. Solutions

Some Considerations of Homosexuality and the Episcopal Church

The Rev. Canon Thomas H. Conley

Delivered to the Adult Forum Cathedral of St. Philip September 17, 2000  

 

This presentation was made to the Adult Forum at the Cathedral of St. Philip (Episcopal) on September 17, 2000. Because of the present issue of homosexuality and the consecration of The Rev. Gene Robinson in the Diocese of New Hampshire, this piece is still being requested. With minor editing, it appears just as it was delivered on that Sunday morning.

 

Good morning. Our time is short today and our subject is extensive so let me without my usual introductory humor get to the issue. I want to enter several caveats or disclaimers at the beginning, and tell you what this presentation is not going to be and then some of what it is designed to accomplish.

*It will not be on the announced subject, “Sexuality in the Episcopal Church,” but rather it will be, “Some Considerations of Homosexuality and the Episcopal Church.” We all know that this subject is what we want to get to anyway, so let’s move to that without further dance.

*This piece cannot be exhaustive or extensive because the subject is still enormously broad, so I have chosen what I feel are the more salient features and questions that I have been hearing relative to the subject.

*Third, we do not have to be where the other is on this subject to have dialogue about it. In our Dean’s fine presentation last week about being and becoming a public church, it is inherent in that vision that we be a place where diversity of thought is tolerated and welcomed. We will never all agree on everything, maybe anything, and that must be all right with us. I hope most of us will agree that our relationships with one another are more important than our beliefs about any one subject and that nothing shall separate us from the love of Christ or from one another. My love for you is not conditioned by what you believe about this or any other issue.

I have already decided that I will not be separated from you or anyone over this issue, because history teaches me that this, too, will pass as a major issue in our history and corporate life. I will always separate whom you are as a person from ideas you hold. You and I are more than our opinions on this or any ecclesiological or theological matter. We need to remember that.

*This will not be a historical review of the positions taken by the Episcopal Church in relationship to homosexuality. That is a subject for another time. Most of us have lived this history, and we may not need a review so much as an interpretation of this history.

Those are some of the things this presentation will not do. Now some things I want to do with this piece.

*I want to share the result of my study and experience with you. This next June I will have been a minister in Christ’s Church for forty years. I was ordained in June of 1961. I hope that experience counts for something.

*I do want to do extensive biblical interpretation of passages that have served to place us under a stringent obligation to believe that the Bible teaches only one thing about homosexuality. I want to take away that conflict and in some cases, that burden of guilt.

*I also want to deal briefly with the genesis of homosexuality: choice or a sexual predisposition with which we come packaged?

*I want to deal briefly with what we should tell the children about homosexuality.

*I want to mention how homosexuality may impact the church if the church ever goes on record approving of ordaining active and practicing homosexuals as priests and deacons.

*I want to talk about what I perceive are my obligations and privileges in this issue as a Christian person and a Christian priest.

And I think I ought to append this disclaimer to the rest of the piece: “The opinions expressed in this presentation are those of Tom Conley and do not necessarily express the views of the management, either heavenly or earthly.”

I also thought about turning this into a money making project for the Daughters of the King or the Episcopal Church Women, both for whom I have some responsibility in my Pastoral Care Department. I almost suggested that the two organizations sell much-too-ripe fruit and that I wear a raincoat and goggles so that when the appropriate time came you could heave the fruit of your choice in my direction if you took exception to my opinion. But the Dean didn’t like the idea, even after I told him we could arrange for him to have a cut of the take! No deal.

I do know and understand how difficult this subject is for many people. I still remember those feelings in Columbia, S.C. where I had been reared as a racist and a homophobic, although neither of those terms was a part of my working vocabulary while I held those views. Those were two subjects whose emotional content you simply absorbed in that culture. It was in the 1950’s that I was in that southern city and the “N” word and the “Q” word could always get a laugh or a sneer. I remember we had a tenor in the choir at First Baptist. He had a lovely tenor voice, but it was rumored that he was “Queer” and I was warned never to be alone with him anywhere in the church.

It was only after I went to Southern Seminary that those feelings and those stereotypes got thoroughly washed and cleansed, and even then not without some real tears and heartaches in my pilgrimage. I have great empathy for those who are still struggling with this. I struggle with it but not as a personal or individual matter. That is settled with me. I struggle with it because my beloved Church struggles with it.

I.

The question most often asked is, for many, the hub of the issue. Does not the Bible clearly state that homosexuality is an abomination to the Lord? If so, then why does that not settle the issue? Or to put it another way, the Bible says it, I believe and that settles it.

There are two passages in the Old Testament that are always quoted, Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13. The first passage simply says: “You shall not lie with a male as with a woman, it is an abomination.” The second is like unto it: “If a man lies with a male as with a woman both of them have committed an abomination; they shall be put to death, their blood is upon them.” These passages come from the section in Leviticus known in biblical studies as the Holiness Code. It is found in Leviticus, chapters 17-26. It is a code of conduct, rules, ethical practices, religious orders that Moses received from God to frame the religious and communal life of Israel in the midst of growing nationalities and increasing diversity ethnically and religiously.

The Apostle Paul brought over this Holiness Code mentality and says in Romans 1:27 “…and the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameful acts with men and receiving in their own persons the due penalty for their error.” The Holiness Code view of homosexuality is also the background for the other passages found in the New Testament. There are only about four or five references to the subject in the New Testament. None of the gospels mention the subject, and Jesus had nothing to say about it.

Let me say straightforwardly that the problem with using the Holiness Code as a prohibition against homosexuality is on shaky ground because we do not accept the rest of the Holiness Code as mandatory for Christians today. For example, we do not stone people for committing adultery (20:10). We do not punish people for sacrificing their children to Molech, then the current deity who was the greatest threat to Yahweh-worship when Moses was writing their code. (18:23).

We do not believe in goat-demons mentioned in that same code in 17:7. We do not believe that if a man has sex with a woman in her menstrual cycle he will be cut off from God and the assembly of God as well. (20:18). We may have some ideas about it, but we do not make a distinction in our faith between clean and unclean animals. (20:25) We

do not believe that a wizard, medium or a psychic should be put to death (20:27). [We give them a 900 number instead!]

We do not believe it is a sin against God to cut a tonsure in our heads or to shave off the edges of our beards (if we have one. Canon Farwell, take note) or to make tattoos on our bodies (19:28). We do not believe that priests’ daughters who become prostitutes should be burned to death. We do not believe it is wrong for a priest to go into the presence of a dead body. (21:11). Virtually every priest here has disobeyed that injunction.

We do not believe a priest can marry only a virgin and only a virgin of his own kin as specified in 21:13-15. We do not believe that a man should be forbidden serving as a priest if he has a blemish, is blind, lame, has an elongated face or a limb that is too long, a broken foot or hand, is a hunchback or a dwarf, has bad eyes, eczema, scabs, or crushed testicles. (21:18-22). When our Dean interviewed me for this position, I can remember none of those questions arising in the interview. Thank God!

We do not observe all the festivals and convocations commanded in Leviticus, chapter 23. Yet all these things were to be obeyed by the people of God, thus saith the Lord. No exceptions.

We do not stone those who take God’s name in vain or blaspheme God. (24:10-14) And while some of us would like to, we do not observe the year of Jubilee going back to the old homeplace, letting the ground lie fallow for a year or rescuing a kinsman who has bought property and can’t pay for it. (25:25ff). We do not believe that if a kinsman loses his home you and I are obligated to have him live with us and can make no interest or profit from him (25:44-46).

We do not practice slavery. (25:44-46). We do not believe a woman who bears a male child is ceremonially unclean for 30 days, but for a female child, 66 days (12:1-5). We do not believe that if a man has an emission of semen he is unclean until the evening. (15:16). We do not believe that one who eats his or her steak rare, or eats steak tartar has “eaten blood” and is therefore cut off from God and the people (17:10ff). We do not believe that a laborer has to be paid daily or the employer will be punished. (19:13). We do not believe that if you plant a fruit tree you must wait 5 years to eat its fruit.

None of these things we believe or observe or give much credibility to. Yet, when it comes to a couple of verses about homosexuality in this same Holiness Code, we are suddenly compelled to take them literally, promote them, quote them, and hold them up as inviolate laws from God for the Christian.

These verses about homosexuality come out of the same context as these other laws we no longer obey or think essential for our Christian faith. These verses are part of the same superstitious, pre-Copernican, pre-scientific, pre-modern world, yet we seem to have to swear obedience to them.

Note that these words about men lying with other men are in the list of all the things noted above that we are no longer subject to because Christ has superseded these statutes. Yet, we seem to exalt these verses over all their brothers and sisters. They are not tagged by Moses or the Scriptures as more important, more holy, more crucial than any of the other laws. Yet, we have made them more holy than holy itself.

Just before some of these verses there is the prohibition against adultery and it is punishable by death. If a man lies with a daughter-in-law, death. Oops! We don’t exalt that one, do we? If a man sleeps with his wife and her mother…death! If a man has sex with a woman, “in her sickness”…cut him off from the assembly, the people of God! In other words, excommunicate him!

Now we have said of so many of these verses, “Well those no longer apply to us, Christ has superseded them.” Or, we say, “Well, that was for Judaism and we are not Jews.” Or, we say, “Well, this was a time not as enlightened as we are, and we have to understand that and interpret some of these passages with that in mind.”

Yet, when it comes to these two verses about homosexuality we must believe them, exactly like the Book says it, under penalty of “not believing the Bible,” or, “disobeying the very person of God.”

If you are going to take these two verses in the Holiness Code as gospel, then you are also obligated, it seems to me, to take all the rest of the Code and live by it as stringently as you do these two verses. Logical? I should think so!

The reason we have found ourselves in some consternation about this is because Paul picked up this one prohibition and transferred it over into his Epistle to the Romans (1:27). But since we know where this came from –The Holiness Code in Leviticus—we are under no more obligation to take Paul literally here than we are to take the rest of the Holiness Code literally for living our daily lives.

I have taken a lot of time on this Holiness Code issue, because I want us to be released from the notion that there is no other interpretation of these passages, and because I want us to be done with the literalism that pulls us into the vortex of disobedience to God if we do not abide by these ancient laws.

Another very important point needs to be made. None of the biblical verses refer to homosexuality as orientation because that did not begin to emerge as an idea until the 19th century. The Bible knows nothing about homosexuality as orientation or as a genetic predisposition anymore than it knew about atoms, quarks, the chaos theory or an elliptical or nearly round earth, or the existence of bacteria or viruses.

The Bible only speaks about homosexual activity and virtually everytime the sacred text mentions this subject it does so against a backdrop of male temple cultic prostitution.

My good friend, Dr. Furman Hewitt, Ph.D. from Duke University and former Professor of Christian Ethics at Southeastern Baptist Theological Seminary, now at Duke Divinity School, has pointed out in his dissertation that almost every mention of homosexuality in the Bible has a backdrop of cultic prostitution. Dr. Hewitt has written the article on homosexuality for the Mercer Dictionary of the Bible, one of the better one-volume dictionaries on the market today.

One of the passages that is frequently quoted is the one about the story of Sodom in Genesis 19:1-26. Hewitt concludes that the sexual acts alluded to in this passage are same-sex rape acts which, during this period of history, were not so much sexual acts as a way some cultures proved dominance over another tribe or group of people. As in today’s culture, rape is not about sex at all, but is about domination and control and anger. What is essential to know, Hewitt says, is that when Sodom is mentioned in other Hebrew Bible references the moral indignation is not over the homosexuality but over moral and social corruption, cynical selfishness and lack of justice. In none of the Hebrew Bible references to Sodom by other Hebrew Bible sources is any sexual sin mentioned.

Further, Hewitt traces the sexual interpretation of the Sodom story to first century Judaism when the nation was coming into contact with the Hellenistic world and the homosexuality practiced there. Only then was there an interpretation of the Sodom story as one of sexual sin.

Further, in the New Testament, the words, malakoi (meaning soft or weak or effeminate), and arsenokoitai, a combination of words meaning male and sexual intercourse, are never precise in defining the activity that is forbidden. They seem to be general terms prohibiting cultic prostitution and the use of children as sexual objects by adults. These things were characteristic of the Hellenistic world that the church bumped up against in its beginnings. (T. Furman Hewitt, “Homosexuality in the Bible,” Mercer Dictionary of the Bible, Watson Mills, editor, 1990, pp. 386-387).

To summarize. There were some prohibitions in Scripture against homosexual behavior, mostly connected with cultic temple prostitution. This prohibition has come from people who believed in a flat earth, goat-demons, who believed the will of God rode in sheep livers and divine dice rolled on occasion. They believed that putting speckled branches in front of sheep when they fed or watered would produce speckled offspring. Am I going to take my psychology, sociology and dictates on how to relate to homosexuals from these folk? I don’t think so. And most of us don’t think so either, except some of us will do that with these two verses in the Holiness Code.

Our error here is that we have taken these two verses out of the Leviticus Holiness Code, most of which we no longer believe or practice, and have exalted them to a place where, if we disobey these two verses, we do so under the pain of “not believing the Bible,” or “not obeying God’s word.”

There are other considerations. I am a psychotherapist and made my living as a therapist while I went through the process of becoming a priest in the Episcopal Church. I have worked for a long time with gay folk and it is my feeling that for most of them, their homosexuality is the way they have come packaged. It has not been proven yet, but I believe that this is a genetic issue and that one day soon we will find the key to this matter. It is my experience that we come packaged the way we are. If we come packaged the way we are, then it seems to me that we ought to be accepted that way.

Now some say that homosexuality is a choice. That may be. I know many homosexuals who are really bisexual and have a choice about who their partners will be. I do not have that choice. My position is that if one has a choice to make then the making of the choice is valid. That, too, is the way some come packaged. If we have that choice, then we still have the responsibility to have dominion with that choice as well as the other choices we have with our lives.

II.

But what will happen to the church if we do ordain practicing homosexuals to the priesthood, allow and bless same sex unions?

The first question I hear on this issue is, “Do you think it is going to happen?” My response is, “Yes.” The reason is that homosexuality is here to stay. It is a reality of life and a reality of the church. It is not going away. The church will have to face it honestly and squarely. Reality cannot be ignored forever. There is an elephant in the room!

There are three basic responses to reality. We can take the lead in helping it to come with grace and hope, guide it and give it interpretation. We can scruff our toes in the dust and lament that it is coming; or we can work against its encroachment only to finally become bitter because it will eventually come anyway. I decided long ago, after much prayer and contemplation, that I should take the lead in accepting homosexuals for who they are and helping to clear the way for their full acceptance even as I believe that Jesus would fully accept them. I do this from the baptismal covenant and the promise I made there to respect the dignity and worth of every person.

I know there are many of us who accept homosexuals as persons. But some of us who do are not sure at all yet about ordaining practicing homosexuals to Holy Orders or blessing same sex unions. That is a final leap of faith we have not yet made. Yet on October 1, all the priests here will, on St. Francis Day, will bless snakes, lizards, turtles, and other assorted creatures of God. Yet, we cannot bless two human beings of the same sex who have vowed love to one another and are committing themselves to a monogamous and life-long union. There is something wrong with that picture for me.

Another reason I think it will happen is that this past Convention in Denver a resolution to have the Standing Liturgical Commission to begin drafting rites that could be used for same-sex unions failed in the House of Deputies by 2 votes. The clergy approved it by one vote and the laity rejected it by just 2 votes. The vote has been close in the last two Conventions and it may well pass in one of the next two Conventions.

Will it kill or seriously divide the church? Well, in the first place we already have a promise from the Christ that the gates of death will not prevail against the Church. If death were going to take the Church, it would have done so in a myriad of ways and through a host of opportunities in the past. Some opportune times: when Constantine made Christianity a virtual state religion in 313 C.E. While the Church was fighting over who Jesus was in those first 600 plus years. The superstition of the Medieval Church, the corruption of the Church during those Dark Ages, the Inquisitions throughout our history, the alliance of silence when Hitler rampaged over the earth and there was no word from

the Confessing Church, or the devoted attempts of fundamentalism to choke the Church to death with law, legalism and myopia.

In the 1950’s I heard that the integration of the South would destroy our way of life, that our churches would crumble, and that we would all go to hell in a handbasket because of the Supreme Court’s ruling on May 7, 1954. Then I heard that if women were let into the leadership of the Church again we would suffer immeasurably and that the Church would flounder. We seem to have forgotten the promise that the gates of death would not prevail. Nor will it prevail this time if we ordain homosexuals and have rites to bless same-sex unions. Yes, I know, some of us think that it will be so. But look. We have many priests now who are gay and live faithful, monogamous lives with their partners.

I trust the Church of Jesus Christ is whole enough and strong enough to assimilate and to include same sex unions. What weakens the Church are those who may want to “take their marbles and go home.” If this blessing of the gay unions happens, there will be some who do that. That saddens me, but it happened during the racial and integration crisis of the 1950’s and it will happen in this crisis.

“How do you think it will come about? I have an idea that what will happen is that so many of the dioceses will go ahead and bless unions with individual Bishops’ permission, that we will eventually ratify what has already become rather common usage in some quarters. That is the way our liturgy was initially accepted in the first place. It is well known that the Church practiced a piece of liturgy before they wrote it down and long before it was finally included as an essential written part of the service. I have an idea we will do this with the ordinations and the blessings of gay unions as well. We already have a number of gay and lesbian priests, some in union and some not, who are in leadership positions of the church. Some are well known and others are not, but they are already in place in service to Christ and his Church.

But what do we tell the children? We have two sons. They are now 38 and 34. We gave them sex education about homosexuality just like we did about heterosexuality. We invited into our home our friends, many of whom are gay and lesbian; people of many races and colors and creeds have put their feet under our dining table. Our boys learned to see and experience many people who were different from us. They have turned out O.K., are married and have children. Homosexuality is real, it is not going away, and it is incumbent upon me to accept, interpret, understand and be compassionate for all those who are different from the way I am.

Am I obligated to accept gay and lesbian people, and accept them as priests, and to accept the blessing of same-sex unions under the pain that if I do not I am not a good Christian?

We are all in varying stages of maturation in our Christian faith. We are all instructed to love God, self and neighbor, and in our baptismal covenant we commit to respect the dignity and worth of every human being. What I have never been able to comprehend is how I can love someone, respect their dignity and worth, believe that Jesus has given his life for that person or persons, vow to secure justice and peace for all persons, and not accept them as they are. That seems rather odd to me that I would have a pocket reserved in my life where I put all those not acceptable to me and then attempt to be inclusive and Christian in the rest of my life. At best that is compartmentalization.

This is not to say that those of us who have not come to the same conclusions as I have are ignorant, evil, failures as Christians or a host of other negatives that I have heard applied to those who are at a different place. We ought not to feel guilty and beat up on ourselves if we are not yet at this point of acceptance. But what I did in my life when faced with changing values concerning this and other issues was to expose those bothersome portions of my struggle to someone who could help me look at my fears, get to the bottom of them, and come full circle to a more universal acceptance of persons the way they come. I commend that approach to you.

Judgment of another person leaves us no place to stand in this life because we are all so flawed, if not with the imperfection we are judging, then with one twice as bothersome. The log in our eye renders us incapable of getting the splinter out of our brother or sister’s eye. Human beings do not do well judging another because we have no outside, objective space, no “fulcrum place” to stand to make the judgment. So, my answer to the question is that we all have some distance to go to achieve wholeness in our Christian journey. If we are more whole in one area, we may be less whole in another area. No one of us has reached perfection and unconditional love. That means that we do not judge one another because we are all in the same boat. I hope all of us are working on whatever it is that keeps us from being more whole and complete in Jesus Christ. I do believe that ultimately there can be no pockets of “unacceptable” persons. Love without acceptance is not whole love.

I still have the hope that with this issue and others, there will be a day when the lion and the lamb will lie down together, when peace and justice will roll down like waters, when we will mount up as eagles, run and not be weary, walk and not faint, and there will be springs flowing in the desert places of our lives. I have lived with that hope for over 40 years now. It still resides in my breast. And I hope in yours. Amen.

The Fear Factor

The Fear Factor

The Rev. Canon Thomas H. Conley
Pastoral Theologian-in-Residence

There used to be a TV show entitled, The Fear Factor. It was a contest to see who can conquer their fears when in the presence of all sorts of threats: heights, water, doing stunts on moving vehicles, eating varied sorts of distasteful things. The one who conquers their fears in the fastest time wins…you guessed it, money. The show has appeal because it connects with us. We all know fear. Especially since 9/11 the fear of terrorists and the death and destruction they are capable of reigning down upon us has brought up allied fears, brother and sister fears that are hand-holding buddies of the “big” fear. Ernest Becker wrote a Pulitzer Prize winning book several years ago called The Denial of Death. His thesis was that the fear of death is really behind and under all our fears. He was convincing.

Whatever the seeds of our fears, we are all subject to them. We live in a world of fear. The air we breathe is now rated according to colors. As I write this, the air-of-the-day is coded “red,” a serious health hazard to all creatures, especially the already ill. The water we drink has too many “boil” advisories. The stock market has placed our portfolios in jeopardy, and our savings for retirement have taken a dive with the unstable market. There is greed and dishonesty in high places in a host of corporations, and the fear of being snookered out of our money, and more importantly, our trust of others is always with us. The con artist is always looking for easy prey. We seem to all be scrambling to find enough trust to counter the fear that is so prevalent. As Merrill Abbey has observed: “While it is true that we are afraid because the times are dangerous, it is also true that the times are dangerous because we are afraid.”

Within our families and personal relationships, and more crucially within us, fear is there, too. No intimate relationship is free from the fear factor. We lose one another. We frighten one another. We are abusers, we can be cruel to those we love the most, and pain seems a constant companion in the human journey. We have great capacity for good deeds, but our capacity for evil is staggering and with it the fear that such rancid behavior brings. We even have fears we have let no one know about. Secrets seem to be the raw material of the soap operas. Secrets are the cloaked pieces of our personal lives. 

Now if this piece is beginning to get to you and you can feel the depression creeping in, then that is the point. None of us is exempt from the fear factor. But there is help and there is hope. We do not have to bear our fears alone. The One who forms the values for my life says, “perfect love casts out fear.” My love and yours cannot be perfect, but His can and is. Therein lies our hope. You see, it is possible to live in the midst of all the perils I have just catalogued and cope, manage, survive, even find some abundance of life in their midst. That is what we do at this Center. We help to find hope. We take on the fears one at a time and pull their stingers, defang them, teach one another how to survive and thrive even in the face of all our fears. It is possible. I see it happen every day. Eric Hoffer once said, “you can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.” What we do here is to take the wraps off what our enemy uses against us, even if we are the enemy. We name the fear. We face the fear. When we do, its game is over, the jig is up, the power is broken; faced with advocates to stand with us, the bully fear scampers into hiding. It is a beautiful thing to watch.

So, when the fears begin to get more than you can handle, come to see us. We are here for you, your family, your friends. And we know all the names that fear travels under. We can help.

Peace and love to all. Tom+

Therapies Offered

Life Issues Most Commonly Treated 

 

Alcohol/Drug Dependency Intervention and Recovery

Many families are deeply impacted by addiction. Whether a person becomes concerned about her/his own level of substance use/abuse, or family and friends are distraught over the self-destructive behavior of a loved one, help and hope are available here at the Center. Several of our therapists have not only specialized skills, but personal experience with the devastating effects of drug & alcohol abuse and dependency. Family members can also receive help with codependency and coping issues. We have an Interventionist on staff who can facilitate a compassionate and effective intervention to move an addict/alcoholic into treatment and recovery.

Anger Management

When fear and high anxiety reach violent proportions someone will be hurt. Rage, shame, guilt and anger have strong alliance in emotional and physical expressions of anger. Anger on one hand, can be a creative alert that something is wrong. Once it is projected onto another human being, as a justification for perceived wrong, the creative side disappears altogether. Our society needs a new model for understanding anger. Road rage is epidemic. Household abuse, child abuse, and particularly verbal abuse are becoming increasingly common currencies in relationships. “Anger management” is a term used for persons who are experiencing difficulty in managing their anger are on the borderline of abuse.

Blended Families 

To have a measure of success in the blended family takes concerted work and frequently intentional therapy. Baggage from past relationships is difficult to deal with in human affairs. Helping the blended family to identify these issues and grow through them into mutual respect are a part of a process that the Center understands and which constitutes a major concern. 

Children’s Issues 

Only in recent history have children been valued for who they are. We are now in a period of our history when many children are the objects of abuse, and where we lack family systems that are conducive to rearing our young to become responsible and caring adults. Frequently the “identified patients,” children often are reflections of the unresolved issues that families bring to counseling. Click here to read a pastoral letter from the Bishops of the Episcopal Church regarding children and the church.

Depression

Everybody feels sad or “blue” occasionally, but if the feeling persists for two weeks or more, you may be suffering from depression. Persons suffering from depression may have difficulty concentrating, feel more tired than usual, have trouble sleeping, eat more or less than usual, lose pleasure in things they used to enjoy or have feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness. Depression is a real illness with identifiable symptoms and causes. It may be caused by an imbalance of naturally occurring chemicals in the body and may be triggered by severe stress, such as chronic overwork, divorce, job loss, or death of a loved one.

Suggested Reading:

http://my.webmd.com/medical_information/condition_centers/depression/default.htm

Divorce/Divorce Recovery/Separation

There are two kinds of separation and divorce. The one most couples are aware of is the legal aspect of separation and divorce. The unconscious emotional separation and divorce is the second one. Men and women who have achieved low levels of developmental separation from their parents and experience great difficulty in handling of the husband/wife role will promote the role of parent into a position of emotional priority relative to the role of spouse. This means that some troubled spouses will obscure their “emotional divorce” by acting dominantly in the role of parent. This parent-child relationship leaves little time for marital concerns. And, job demand dominance leaves little time for marital concerns as well.

Either “divorce” when traveled alone, inflicts injury and wounds that have immediate and long term consequences. A recovery from divorce and a recovery toward divorce healing will help prevent generational consequences of repeating the legal and emotional divorce patterns. If unattended, the second marriage may not be strong enough to carry the continuing unresolved issues. If unattended, the current marriage may be long but will be endured in some form with quiet and not so quiet suffering and desperation.

Elderly & Retirement 

Living on a fixed income, the loss of a spouse or partner, declining health, changing societal mores, moving into a retirement facility, relating to grown children who have their own lives to live, depression, Alzheimer’s or senile dementia, decline in activity, loss of friends.  The Center is sensitive in responding to these and other problems that confront the elderly and those facing retirement.  Depression frequently accompanies many of these issues and will be responded to with appropriate treatment.

End of Life Decisions

The prayer, “God, help me to be fully alive when I die,” reflects our human awareness that life is a gift for which we are called to exercise careful stewardship-even at its end. It is often observed that we die the way we live, but we also have important choices to make about the quality of our final days and what we wish for our loved ones. Health care providers, counselors, and spiritual directors are increasingly sensitive to the spiritual and theological dimensions of the end of life. There are also practical spiritual and theological considerations, such as Advance Directives (Living Wills and Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare) and treatment and pain management options. All of these concerns may be addressed in a trusted counseling relationship that can help to hold the myriad of feelings that emerge as the end of life approaches for oneself or for loved ones.

Suggested reading:Handbook for Mortals: Guidance for People Facing Serious Illness

, by Joanne Lynn, MD and Joan Harrold, MD and the Center to Improve Care of the Dying. New Your” Oxford University Press, 1999.

 

Peaceful Dying ” The Step-By-Step Guide to Preserving Your Dignity, Your Choice, and Your Inner Peace at the End of Life, by Daniel R. Tobin, MD. Reading, Mass.: Perseus Books, 1999.

Marriage and Family 

Marriage and family can be the source of profound joy or they can be the origin of intense pain and suffering. The heart of marriage is a committed relationship that evokes trust and acceptance, where two people share growth and mutual affection. Marriage is the primary relationship, one to which children can bring great happiness; but children also bring more responsibility to the marriage. Proper boundaries, respect, understanding and mutuality are essential for a wise balance to be maintained and for trust to emerge as a way of being family. 

 

Premarital Counseling

In the United States half of all marriages fail. Premarital counseling can help get your marriage off to a good start by helping you understand how experiences in your family of origin affect your assumptions about marriage, how you communicate and how you relate to each other. With effective premarital counseling you will identify and build on your strengths as a couple, as well as recognize areas of your relationship that may be problematic. You will learn new skills, gain new insights, and develop new empathy for each other.

Suggested Reading: 
Keeping the Love You Find, Giving the Love that Heals and other books by Harville Hendrix
A Lasting Promise, Fighting for Your Marriage and other books by Scott Stanley

http://www.wedalert.com/content/articles/premarital_counseling.asp

Spiritual Direction & Religious Issues 

One of the offerings of the Center is spiritual direction, or spiritual guidance. It is difficult for us to know always where the Spirit of God is leading us, and sometimes we need another one skilled in spiritual development and spiritual formation to walk with us as we explore new possibilities. Spiritual direction and guidance are usually regular and ongoing processes at the Center. The times and conditions of the meetings are between the guide and the client. Spiritual direction and guidance are frequently a life-changing experience.

As a client put it recently: “There is a sacred element in the exchange and that is what makes the difference. I have felt the holy so powerfully it is like unleashed electricity filling the room, and I have felt it so gently it is like the memory of a soft touch. This changes people….” This client also refers to the gift of spiritual direction as the “gift of possibility.” (Quote used with client’s permission). 

Women’s issues

Women constantly live transitional lives. Childbirth, marriage, being single, divorce, care-giving, careers, illness and other stressors cause our lives to take new directions again and again. Women juggle multiple roles and this can be difficult and confusing. The last several decades in America have been marked by radical and thorough-going changes in the place of women in our society. Stress can arise from these transitions and it is important to “work through” these stages of growth in order to become a more “complete person.”

Suggested Reading: 

The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, MD

Composing a Life by Mary Catherine Bateson

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerned, Ph, D.